Friday, October 22, 2010

Rest, Trust and Be Still

It’s been a little while since I’ve blogged, but if you’ve been following our journey, you know that there are a few things going on with our family and my health at the moment.

We are still in a holding pattern with the Embryo Adoption.  And come to find out that the testing that my RE had me do to prepare for the FET revealed abnormal cells that need a closer look.  As in…biopsy!

Despite the place of limbo I’m in at the moment, I have leaned on my Creator even more.  It is His peace that passes all understanding that I’m after. 

That said, I’ve felt like the Holy Spirit has been convicting me of a few things that have begun to take a greater hold on my life lately.

1) Keep God first in everything.  But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. (Matthew 6:33) I will admit, I tend to struggle with this one because I get overloaded with life’s little checklists.

2) Not seek after my own solutions.  Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5,6)  When our EA attorney hadn’t heard back from the donor couple this week, I automatically went into “Plan B” mode. God has our best interests in mind and wants to bless His precious lambs.  Why on earth would I think my plans are so much better than His?

3) Decrease the amount of time I spend on “research.” I have gleaned so much from my amazing sisterhood of IVF sisters and currently from all of the beautiful EA sisters out there, but my weakness is that I tend to look to this information for answers.  Don’t get me wrong, I am so blessed by you amazing women who have charted the course before me, but I have to remember to “seek the counsel of the Lord” (2 Chronicles 18″4) first and foremost! Then and only then should I do my “research.”

4) Not get consumed.  It’s easy to get consumed with growing our family, how it will happen, or even if it will happen at all.  But I have to remember that unless I’m getting consumed with the Lord, then it’s probably time I check to make sure that I haven’t created an idol that takes away from my time with God.  You shall have no other gods before me. (Exodus 20:3)

5) Love the family He has blessed me with. There is no greater joy than the joy I feel when I look at my miracle son.  No doubt the Lord has truly blessed us with this Little Mister conceived via PGD IVF.  A regret I don’t want to have is spending all of my time “longing for” or pining after another child and not spending that precious time with the miracle blessing that is right here.  My two-year old deserves 100% of his mommy.
I’ve felt the Lord saying to me (for a while now), “Come to Me, lay it at my feet and trust me”.  But my flesh has such a hard time just being still.  I’m a planner by nature, so the whole waiting thing is very uncomfortable for me.  Still, I know this is the area that I need to grow the most (hence, the reason it is uncomfortable).

I chose to share my thoughts tonight because I have felt this tug on my heart for a while.  I don’t know what else to do with the feeling other than to put it out there as a prayer request and lift it up to the Lord.

He has our family in this holding pattern for a reason.  And me trying to chart my own course, may only be getting in the way of an even greater blessing.  Which is the note I will end on…

“Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.” (Jeremiah 33:3)

Friday, October 8, 2010

My Princess...I will heal your heart

Yesterday was one of the difficult moments in my life.  You can read about it here.

In preparation of our FET, I'd been having my share of tests lately.

Two of my tests (my mammogram and ultrasound) came back with not-so-good news.  Since my mammogram and ultrasound revealed a cluster of cells that the radiologist was not comfortable with, he's sending me for a biopsy.  I just kept praying during this conversation.  Praying he would just tell me everything looked fine and that he'd made a mistake. 

Instead, he handed me a brochure (which I won't even get into here because it scared the bijeebers out of me), a pink lunchpail (in celebration of breast cancer awareness month), and sent me on my way.

When I got to my car after this news, I cried and prayed.  My prayers were met by the Lord.  I looked down at my phone and had received this text:

My Princess...
I will heal your heart. Don't get discouraged, my beloved.  Pain is a part of life. 

But I promise I will turn every tear you've cried into joy, and I will use your deep pain for a devine purpose.  Don't try to hide your hurts from me.  I know everything about you. 

You are mine.  My beloved!  I'm the only one who can handle your heart and restore you to health and wholeness again.  I, too, have felt great pain.  But we can go through every trial together. 

Hand in hand I will lead you back to my place of peace and joy after the storm.  The sun will shine on you again, and your heart will be healed. 

I promise you, my princess, that when you go through the deep waters of great trouble, I will be with you. 

When you go through the waters of difficulty you will not drown.  When you walk through the fire of oppression you will not be burned.  Isaiah 43:1-2

Your King and your Healer

God's timing is perfect.  He knew that I would need His comfort after walking out of my appointment.

He will heal my body and my heart, no matter what this biopsy reveals. 

I am so grateful for my dear sister in Christ who sent me this text.  She was sending it for one purpose, but God used it for another.  Her obedience to the Lord in that moment to hit the "send" button so that I would receive His message was amazing.  God is amazing!

I've had a feeling lately that our FET may have to be postponed, but I never dreamed it would be because of something like this.

So, for now...we wait.  Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

The Defining Moments in Life

Looking back on life, I can think of a few defining moments that have changed me forever.  Moments that I will never forget the who, what, when and where...the words that were said and how my heart felt.  Otherwise normal moments in time that were interrupted by life-changing news that I had never expected.  The worst part of each of these memories is that I felt like I was blindsided.

Today was one of those moments.

But before I get to that, these are the defining moments from my past:
  • The day that my mom told me that my dad had died and was never coming back home.  At the tender age of nine, I can still remember walking across our lawn hoping she was wrong.
  • The day my mother's doctor called and said, "She just left us."
  • The day I went in for "routine" tests at my ob/gyn's office, when I got a glimse of my chart with the word, "Infertility" written on it. The insensitivity of my (former) doctor and the shocking revelation that I had become part of the statistics.
  • The day our genetic counselor uttered the words, "Its not good news." That was the day we came face to face with our future and living with a neurological disease.
  • The day this past April that our RE called us to give us the results of our beta after our frozen embryo transfer (FET).  After four positive pregnancy tests at home, the doctor called to say, "I'm so sorry honey."
Which brings me to where we are now.

As you know, we have been on the amazing journey of embryo adoption/donation and can't wait to become the parents to three beautiful twinkle babies.  The contract is still not signed, but we are getting closer.

Part of Dr. K's orders to prepare my body for the transfer included blood tests for infectious diseases and regular girly tests like pap, breast exam and mammogram.  At 39 years old, this was my first mammogram!

All of the tests came back clear...except the mammogram.  Nurse A called to tell me that there were some slight "calcifications" in my right breast and I would need to go back for an ultrasound. She assured me that calcifications are quite common.

"Anything for baby," I said.  Whatever it takes.

I went in for the second mammogram and ultrasound today. Having heard that calcifications are common, I completely expected to walk in, have the test and walk out. 

After donning my stylish pink gown, the tech took some pictures and asked me to sit tight while the radiologist reviewed the films.  A few minutes later the radiologist came in to give me the results.

The radiologist said very plainly, "I don't like the cluster of cells that I'm seeing, so I am sending you for a biopsy."  Of course, there was so much more to this conversation.  But the bottom line is that the road to FET is being derailed by something that I never saw coming.  I am scared.

I got to my car, broke down in tears and prayed.