Saturday, October 22, 2011

Overwhelming Joy X 2

It has been a while since I have posted, but I thought it about time for an update.

We are so blessed to be able to share some amazing news!  If you'll remember in my previous post, a beautiful family adopted the frozen embryos who were a brief part of our family.  After a trip to California, a successful FET and tons of thoughts and prayers...THEY ARE PREGNANT!

When they shared the news with us, I felt like I had one of those rare "aha" moments where God allows you to take a tiny peek into His enormous plan. 

The burden that I felt for so many months, contemplating what was going to be our FET, all the hurdles and obstacles that prevented it, the heaviness on my heart that I was somehow standing in another couple's way of happiness...all came to a head when I found out...our friend is pregnant and that those precious little embryos were never meant to be part of our family.  God intended them as this baby's parents all along.  The twinkle babies are no longer frozen, and a beautiful miracle baby is growing in her belly!  Oh what overwhelming joy!  My hubby and I are honored to even be teeny part of all of this!

This year has been full of surprises!  I have not posted much about our journey this year, but I will say that we are extremely blessed and still overwhelmed with our surprise pregnancy.   I am now 31 weeks pregnant and about to turn 41 years old in a week.  Due on Christmas Day, no doubt.  The surprises keep a comin'!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Twinkle Babies have been implanted via FET!!!

Yep, you read that right. 

Even though my last post spilled the beans that I am currently pregnant with a (out-of-the-blue) natural pregnancy (I'm now 22 weeks along)...

...the embryos that we had adopted received their chance at life this past week!  The couple that adopted the embryos from us traveled to California and had two beautiful blastocysts transferred successfully!  Praise God for that!

We are now praying that the twinkle babies snuggle in for the long haul in their cozy home for the next nine months.  We couldn't be happier for them and pray for a pregnancy!!!

Even before we found out about our miracle pregnancy, God had placed on my heart the gentle nudge to "surrender" these embryos.  Looking back on that time I just couldn't understand why God would ask me to give up what I thought was my only chance to be a mommy again.

Little did I know that he already had plans for us and my womb would be occupied when it came to transfer time.  We are reminded how mighty He really is!  And how true the verse..."before I formed you in the womb, I knew you" (Jeremiah 1:5).

I can't wait to receive the news that our dear friend is pregnant at the end of this TWW.  Please pray for this beautiful couple and their growing family!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

It's finally time

Reading my previous post many many moons ago (March, actually) brought back the memory of where we were in our journey and reminded me of how much I have been MIA on this blog.

Here's an update and possibly an explanation as to what has been going on these past few months.

I did get to my baseline ultrasound in March (for the then, upcoming April 11th FET).  Ultrasound was good, non-eventful.  Meds were delivered to the house...all was set...I was to get off the birth control pill that night and then begin meds in a week.

That was, until...

...the night before our first injection and just weeks before the transfer, our CPA called and told us we owed an astronomical amount in taxes.  An amount that was enough to put our transfer on hold so we could get caught up.  We cancelled the April 11th transfer.  We were asking yet again, "Why was God asking us to wait?"  We still didn't know.

If you'll remember, we adopted our 3 twinkle embryo babies in October of 2010, but God sent a few hurdles into our lives to get us to slow down on what we thought was perfectly plotted out timing.  Why?  We did not know.  But we did know that His ways are better than our ways and His thoughts are above our thoughts.

Our hurdles over the course of many months were a biopsy for cancer (which turned out negative), a new job stressful job and training period for hubby, a new job for me because someone retired, and then just when we finally scheduled our much anticipated frozen embryo transfer the tax issue reared its ugly head.

Well, April 11th came and went with NO frozen transfer.  God gave us great peace in our hearts that He would tell us when to pick a new date...or if we should do it...ever.

That was until April 18th...

...when I went to the doctor because of some major pain I'd had for a week.  He did a battery of tests, only to come to find that somehow in God's amazing all the waiting, the derailed plans, the questions...God has given us a miracle and we are pregnant, naturally. 

Please please please pray for this baby for so many reasons (see my previous posts for a glimpse).  We don't have any fear about this, just pure joy over how God has chosen to reveal His plan for our lives.  Our hearts are smiling with this news and we are praying for the Lord's mercy, grace and wisdom in the days that we have ahead of us.

We are reminded that:

A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. (Proverbs 16:9)

There are many plans in a man's heart, nevertheless the Lord's counsel---that will stand. (Proverbs 19:21)

I have waited a few months to write this post and have tried to be thoughtful in sharing this news.  Aside from being truly grateful for this blessing in my belly, hubby and I have also been honored to have been part of the embryo adoption journey. 

The twinkle babies who were once a part of our family (albeit, brief), have now been adopted by a beatiful family who will give them their chance at life next month at Dr. K's in California.  We are praying for the miracle that they have been longing for in their family.

Thanks for taking the time to read this very long post.  And, thank you for your prayers...our journey isn't just turned down a different street.

Monday, March 14, 2011

2 more days til...

...baseline ultrasound.  Let's get this party started!

Dare I say it outloud (or should that be "outread"), but I'm starting to allow myself to get a little excited.  I am so sorry if I offended anyone by my last post which seemed like I didn't appreciate the wonderful place that God has us right now with this embryo adoption.

I do appreciate this amazing journey with our little twinkle babies and can't wait to meet them.  I just think I let fear take over, which has no place in my heart!

So, two days from now, I'll leave the house at 5:30am to brave the Los Angeles freeway system and somehow make my way to Dr. K's office on the other side of L.A.  It's about 80 miles from our house each way, so I'm just trying to give myself enough time to get to the 7:30am appointment and then get to the office (back near my home) at a reasonable hour to get some work done.

Thank you for your prayers.  My heart has definitely felt them and has lifted me out of my pit of self-occupation.  It's time for me to hand over this whole thing to the Lord and trust His will be done. 

I'm so excited again. 

By the way, this time around I think I'm only going to do 2 days of bedrest after the transfer.  Is that too little?  I know there are some pretty varied opinions out there, but I'd love to hear 'em.

I'm not basing this on any scientific data...just thinking about our previous transfers.

I did 11 days of bedrest with Little Mister (6 days of strict bedrest, followed by 5 days of laying on the couch).  I did 9 days of bedrest with our FET last year, which was not succesful.  So, I think this time around, I will rest for 2 or 3 days and then just take it easy at my office job. 

What do you think?

Friday, March 11, 2011

Long wait, FET scheduled & seeking God's peace

Hello everyone, it has been a very long time since I've posted last.  I think that between the whirlwind of the whole biopsy thing last year and the waiting for the donor contract...I was just too pooped to deal.

Well, here we are in March 2011 and our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) is finally scheduled for April 11, 2011

I would love to say that the sun and moon aligned, the stars shined brightly and the FET date was chosen for us and that I'm super dooper popping out-of-my-skin, excited for the day to come---

However, that is not the case. 

On the contrary, I'm actually a little weirded out by the whole perception of power (incorrect, of course) that my hubby and I actually picked the date on a calendar and that we are somehow in control of all of this.  I don't want to be in control of anything...I'll just mess it up, I know it!

I know better.  I know we're not in control, but it still does feel really strange picking a random date on a calendar and then working backwards with shots and ultrasounds.

About the control thing...and knowing better...

I serve an amazing Creator who has put the sun, moon and stars into the sky, who knows every hair on my head and who has a plan, a future and a hope for me (and my future babies if that's in His will).  So why on earth am I feeling so strange about being the one to pluck a date out of thin air and actually select this FET date? 

And...if I'm being completely honest, I'm actually feeling a bit nervous about going into this next transfer and I cannot put my finger on why.  Nervous, and even a bit apprehensive, which has me worried.

I've been following many of my EA sisters' blogs and am so awed by the process, the beautiful and unique stories of each family journey, and God's peace that totally comes across in their writings.  Yes, I am a lurker.  Is that even a word?

So, here's the question folks...

Why is it, that as I am about to enter one of the most exciting times in my life, am I feeling uncertain about what I'm doing?

Could it be because...
  • our FET last year failed
  • guilt over having my 3 year old share his parents with a new baby
  • I'm an only child and I don't even understand the blessings of having siblings
  • wrapped up in work
  • afraid it won't work this time
  • afraid it will work this time
  • worried that since it's a closed adoption that my future children will never be able to have the question of "where did I come from" ever truly answered (this one has me in a tizzy since the donor embryos are from an anonymous donor family who used donor eggs and the husband's sperm).  I would love your advice/thoughts on how to explain 5 parents to a child (age-appropriate, of course).  I am sad it's not an open adoption, but respect their decision (that we agreed to, by the way).
  • and please don't judge me for this one, but there's a terrible thought in the back of my mind that having our 3 year old (biological son) and these children who were adopted as embryos will be strangely confusing to them all, and that they will have questions and comparisons that I can't answer for them.
I know I'm getting way ahead of myself here, but I can't even begin to describe what is going through my head and heart right now. 

I do realize that much of my tizzy spin is a waste of time because I still need to get pregnant.  I get that.

The good news is that I am seeking the Lord's wisdom and peace.  I had such peace about this before, but as we get closer and closer to the date, I am starting to spin a little.  Okay, maybe alot.

Please pray for God's peace in my heart.  Thank you for reading my brutally honest thoughts and thank you for praying for my heart.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thankful for the Valleys?

I should warn you that this is going to be one long post, but I promise it does have a happy ending!

Last night in our home fellowship group our pastor posed the question of why we ought to be thankful.  Being Thanksgiving and all, my mind automatically went to the “blessings” side of my brain and counted off all of the awesome things that God has done this year. 

The pastor then added, what about being thankful when we are in the midst of a trial, suffering or other unwelcome event which takes place in our lives.

Huh…well…um…that took some serious thought!

It is so easy to be thankful on the mountaintops, but it’s when God has us in the valleys that we lean into Him and grow the most. 

In thinking about what I am most thankful for this year, my heart doesn’t immediately thank God for dry valleys…the infertility, Tall man’s genetic disease, the chemical pregnancy and loss of our donated embryos earlier this year, or the fact that I spend 40+ hours a week away from my 2 year old while I’m at work.  Those things naturally don’t rise to the top of my praise report list…but they should. 

With some deeper conversations with the Lord, he has shown me that…

It was our journey of infertility that led us to finally discovering the truth about hubby’s genetic disease.  Praise God for His mercy that He did not allow us to conceive naturally and pass on the defective gene.  Praise God for His grace through the people and technology of PGD IVF (that He has gifted and equipped) that our miracle son was born. 

Praise God for infertility that led us to embryo adoption this year.  My heart grieves that loss, but we praise God that the embryos are no longer in that forever frozen state and have now gone on to heaven to be with our Creator.  I must also praise God for it was through the witness of that loss that my dear friend who saw my heartache first-hand and response to that situation, ultimately led her to give her life to Christ.

God’s word tells us to…count it all joy when you fall into various trials (James 1:2).  I have to constantly remind myself that it doesn’t say “some” or “when I feel like it.”  It says count ALL.  Really? 

And just to be certain that I get the point, it also says, In everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you (1 Thessalonians 5:18).  Yep…pretty sure God means everything…including the desolate valley I’ve been walking.

Because…on the other side of this valley, lies a blessing…God’s perfect plan and purpose for my life. 

If you read some of my previous posts, you know that we’ve been waiting for quite some time for our embryo adoption/donation contract to be finalized.  It was taking a long time to hear anything from the donor family.  There was nothing else I could physically do to make the process go any faster. 

All I could do was pray.

The funny thing is…that’s what God wanted all along.  For me to pray…He simply wanted me to spend time with Him…alone, in His word.

So, for the past few weeks, I’ve been getting up at Oh-dark-thirty, grabbing my Bible and my blanket, heading out to my patio, and spending some amazing alone time with my Creator, my Friend and my Savior.  He is with me as the sun comes up and gives me thoughts to carry for the rest of the day.  I look forward to these moments as He breathes life into me.

What has been amazing was that as I spent more time with Him, the focus of my prayers shifted from me, the embryos, me, our family, me, me, me…to Him, His power, His might and His will and direction for our lives. 

And low and behold when I wasn’t expecting it, I got a call from our attorney.  The precious embryos we had been waiting for have now joined our family.  Poof, just like that --- the contract was finished.  Signed, sealed and delivered!

The twinkle babies are ours!

What a reminder that my perspective is so small, so tiny and shallow.  God’s word and His promises are true, but it’s because of this trial I can finally see that His hand is on me, has been on me and takes care of the entire span of the universe! 

So, am I thankful for valleys?  This is most certainly not a "bring-it-on" invitation for more trials to enter my life, but I will say that whatever the Lord is doing through our trials, I have faith that it is all because He loves me.

For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.  Hebrews 4:12

Monday, November 15, 2010

Biopsy results are in...

After red tape with my insurance, the x-ray machine breaking and my original biopsy postponed...I finally had a stereotactic biopsy last Friday to check to see if the cluster of cells in my breasts was cancer. 

I slipped into a stylish turquoise (open-to-the-front) hospital gown, entered a room that quite honestly could have kept popsicles frozen, and hopped up onto a gigantic table for the procedure.

Picture this...

Picture a massage or chiropractor table (sound nice and relaxing, right?). was an examination table...except the hole wasn't up here for my face, it was lower and to the right a little.  Yep, a booby-hole...very strange.

So, there I laid, horizontal on the table, face down (bb through the strange opening) while the table was lifted up to the ceiling by a hydraulic lift.  I am seriously not making this stuff up!  It wasn't jiffy lube it was jiffy-boob.  That was where I stayed for the next hour!

The equipment and uncomfortable position allowed for the doctor, the tech and the assistant to pierce needles into my breast via ultra-fancy, high-tech machines, and retrieve samples for pathology.  Did I mention that they had me place my arm and shoulder through that same hole, too?  I am still bruised from those contorted poses!

While they were in there, they shot a titanium marker into "me" to mark the spot.  It is to help the doctor/surgeon locate the cells in the future.  The titanium maker stays a part of me no matter the outcome.  They assured me I won't be setting off any metal detectors at the airport. 

But now to the best news ever...

After waiting all weekend and most of Monday, the doctor called with the biopsy results...

...It was negative!  Hallelujah and praise God!  He is faithful and merciful. 

I used to be worried that road blocks were sending us off our path and self-imposed timeline to our frozen transfer (which if you'll remember we originally planned for late-October, early-November).  Well, everything happens for a reason and I am now thanking God for my life instead of worrying when the transfer will be.

Taking one day at a time.

I'm also concerned about our lack of a contract...still.  But that, my friends, is a topic for a different post.

Thank you for your prayers.  I definitely felt them!