Monday, March 14, 2011

2 more days til...

...baseline ultrasound.  Let's get this party started!

Dare I say it outloud (or should that be "outread"), but I'm starting to allow myself to get a little excited.  I am so sorry if I offended anyone by my last post which seemed like I didn't appreciate the wonderful place that God has us right now with this embryo adoption.

I do appreciate this amazing journey with our little twinkle babies and can't wait to meet them.  I just think I let fear take over, which has no place in my heart!

So, two days from now, I'll leave the house at 5:30am to brave the Los Angeles freeway system and somehow make my way to Dr. K's office on the other side of L.A.  It's about 80 miles from our house each way, so I'm just trying to give myself enough time to get to the 7:30am appointment and then get to the office (back near my home) at a reasonable hour to get some work done.

Thank you for your prayers.  My heart has definitely felt them and has lifted me out of my pit of self-occupation.  It's time for me to hand over this whole thing to the Lord and trust His will be done. 

I'm so excited again. 

By the way, this time around I think I'm only going to do 2 days of bedrest after the transfer.  Is that too little?  I know there are some pretty varied opinions out there, but I'd love to hear 'em.

I'm not basing this on any scientific data...just thinking about our previous transfers.

I did 11 days of bedrest with Little Mister (6 days of strict bedrest, followed by 5 days of laying on the couch).  I did 9 days of bedrest with our FET last year, which was not succesful.  So, I think this time around, I will rest for 2 or 3 days and then just take it easy at my office job. 

What do you think?

Friday, March 11, 2011

Long wait, FET scheduled & seeking God's peace

Hello everyone, it has been a very long time since I've posted last.  I think that between the whirlwind of the whole biopsy thing last year and the waiting for the donor contract...I was just too pooped to deal.

Well, here we are in March 2011 and our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) is finally scheduled for April 11, 2011

I would love to say that the sun and moon aligned, the stars shined brightly and the FET date was chosen for us and that I'm super dooper popping out-of-my-skin, excited for the day to come---

However, that is not the case. 

On the contrary, I'm actually a little weirded out by the whole perception of power (incorrect, of course) that my hubby and I actually picked the date on a calendar and that we are somehow in control of all of this.  I don't want to be in control of anything...I'll just mess it up, I know it!

I know better.  I know we're not in control, but it still does feel really strange picking a random date on a calendar and then working backwards with shots and ultrasounds.

About the control thing...and knowing better...

I serve an amazing Creator who has put the sun, moon and stars into the sky, who knows every hair on my head and who has a plan, a future and a hope for me (and my future babies if that's in His will).  So why on earth am I feeling so strange about being the one to pluck a date out of thin air and actually select this FET date? 

And...if I'm being completely honest, I'm actually feeling a bit nervous about going into this next transfer and I cannot put my finger on why.  Nervous, and even a bit apprehensive, which has me worried.

I've been following many of my EA sisters' blogs and am so awed by the process, the beautiful and unique stories of each family journey, and God's peace that totally comes across in their writings.  Yes, I am a lurker.  Is that even a word?

So, here's the question folks...

Why is it, that as I am about to enter one of the most exciting times in my life, am I feeling uncertain about what I'm doing?

Could it be because...
  • our FET last year failed
  • guilt over having my 3 year old share his parents with a new baby
  • I'm an only child and I don't even understand the blessings of having siblings
  • wrapped up in work
  • afraid it won't work this time
  • afraid it will work this time
  • worried that since it's a closed adoption that my future children will never be able to have the question of "where did I come from" ever truly answered (this one has me in a tizzy since the donor embryos are from an anonymous donor family who used donor eggs and the husband's sperm).  I would love your advice/thoughts on how to explain 5 parents to a child (age-appropriate, of course).  I am sad it's not an open adoption, but respect their decision (that we agreed to, by the way).
  • and please don't judge me for this one, but there's a terrible thought in the back of my mind that having our 3 year old (biological son) and these children who were adopted as embryos will be strangely confusing to them all, and that they will have questions and comparisons that I can't answer for them.
I know I'm getting way ahead of myself here, but I can't even begin to describe what is going through my head and heart right now. 

I do realize that much of my tizzy spin is a waste of time because I still need to get pregnant.  I get that.

The good news is that I am seeking the Lord's wisdom and peace.  I had such peace about this before, but as we get closer and closer to the date, I am starting to spin a little.  Okay, maybe alot.

Please pray for God's peace in my heart.  Thank you for reading my brutally honest thoughts and thank you for praying for my heart.