Well, here we are in March 2011 and our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) is finally scheduled for April 11, 2011.
I would love to say that the sun and moon aligned, the stars shined brightly and the FET date was chosen for us and that I'm super dooper popping out-of-my-skin, excited for the day to come---
However, that is not the case.
On the contrary, I'm actually a little weirded out by the whole perception of power (incorrect, of course) that my hubby and I actually picked the date on a calendar and that we are somehow in control of all of this. I don't want to be in control of anything...I'll just mess it up, I know it!
I know better. I know we're not in control, but it still does feel really strange picking a random date on a calendar and then working backwards with shots and ultrasounds.
About the control thing...and knowing better...
I serve an amazing Creator who has put the sun, moon and stars into the sky, who knows every hair on my head and who has a plan, a future and a hope for me (and my future babies if that's in His will). So why on earth am I feeling so strange about being the one to pluck a date out of thin air and actually select this FET date?
And...if I'm being completely honest, I'm actually feeling a bit nervous about going into this next transfer and I cannot put my finger on why. Nervous, and even a bit apprehensive, which has me worried.
I've been following many of my EA sisters' blogs and am so awed by the process, the beautiful and unique stories of each family journey, and God's peace that totally comes across in their writings. Yes, I am a lurker. Is that even a word?
So, here's the question folks...
Why is it, that as I am about to enter one of the most exciting times in my life, am I feeling uncertain about what I'm doing?
Could it be because...
- our FET last year failed
- guilt over having my 3 year old share his parents with a new baby
- I'm an only child and I don't even understand the blessings of having siblings
- wrapped up in work
- afraid it won't work this time
- afraid it will work this time
- worried that since it's a closed adoption that my future children will never be able to have the question of "where did I come from" ever truly answered (this one has me in a tizzy since the donor embryos are from an anonymous donor family who used donor eggs and the husband's sperm). I would love your advice/thoughts on how to explain 5 parents to a child (age-appropriate, of course). I am sad it's not an open adoption, but respect their decision (that we agreed to, by the way).
- and please don't judge me for this one, but there's a terrible thought in the back of my mind that having our 3 year old (biological son) and these children who were adopted as embryos will be strangely confusing to them all, and that they will have questions and comparisons that I can't answer for them.
I do realize that much of my tizzy spin is a waste of time because I still need to get pregnant. I get that.
The good news is that I am seeking the Lord's wisdom and peace. I had such peace about this before, but as we get closer and closer to the date, I am starting to spin a little. Okay, maybe alot.
Please pray for God's peace in my heart. Thank you for reading my brutally honest thoughts and thank you for praying for my heart.