EA contract closer, but FET postponed til New Year

Today, we are one step closer to bringing our twinkle babies home.

I received a call from our attorney about our Embryo Adoption process. Contract is being finalized and coming to us for signatures!

Bear in mind that the process doesn't usually take this long for most people, but we had a few obstacles to overcome before moving forward. 

1) My biopsy - Part of the testing to prepare for a FET involved a mammogram since I am now 40 years old.  Results came back abnormal. The biopsy has been rescheduled twice; the appointment is tomorrow.

2) Slow going communication - Since the world of EA is so new, attorneys that do legal work for EA don't only do reproductive law.  Between our attorney (who is amazing), the donor attorney and the donor family, everything just takes longer to communicate back and forth.  We chose these twinkle babies back in August.

3) Additional testing for Donor dad - The list of infectious diseases that donors are tested for has expanded over the past few years.  Which is why our donor had to go back for additional testing even though the twinkle babies were created in 2007.

The good news is that we are closer.  Praise God for that.  He holds these babies in His hand whether they will be ours right now, in two months, or ever.  We are trusting in the Lord that He has a plan for their lives (and ours).  We do know that the babies becoming part of our family is only the beginning. 

When we met with Dr. K and the nurse in August, we (our plans) were to do a FET in October.  Well, October has come and gone and we are still a family of three without a signed contract for our twinkle babies.  God's plan is obviously outside of our teeny view and we wait on Him for our next steps.

Hubby and I have both been feeling like God has been asking us to WAIT to do this FET which is one of the most difficult things we've been faced with lately.  My heart so desperately wanted to do this NOW, which is why I couldn't understand why God put on my heart to "wait".  After all, we have waited years for this moment.

So, we have prayerfully decided to postpone our FET until the beginning of the year (2011) for the following reasons:

• Hubby just got a new job in law enforcement and will be in academy/training for the next three months.
• Biopsy and health holdups - biopsy is finally tomorrow
• Holidays - I really want my two-year old (and us) to enjoy every moment together this Thanksgiving and Christmas.  We have alot to be thankful for.
• Save more money for FET and legal costs.
• New Flexible Spending Account begins again on January 1, 2011 (tax free dollars for FET replenished)
• Little Mister's 3rd birthday in early February.

I've felt God confirm our decision by giving me peace in my heart.  I would normally get hung up on the "what ifs" and "if onlys" in life, but this time it's very different.  God has given me this "extra" time to prepare so that I can get deeper into His word, spent time with Him, rely on Him to provide my counsel and guidance and spend quality loving moments with hubby and little mister without the stress of treatments.

The Lord is my strength and my shield.  My heart trusted in Him and I am helped.  Psalm 28:7

Rest, Trust and Be Still

It’s been a little while since I’ve blogged, but if you’ve been following our journey, you know that there are a few things going on with our family and my health at the moment.

We are still in a holding pattern with the Embryo Adoption.  And come to find out that the testing that my RE had me do to prepare for the FET revealed abnormal cells that need a closer look.  As in…biopsy!

Despite the place of limbo I’m in at the moment, I have leaned on my Creator even more.  It is His peace that passes all understanding that I’m after. 

That said, I’ve felt like the Holy Spirit has been convicting me of a few things that have begun to take a greater hold on my life lately.

1) Keep God first in everything.  But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. (Matthew 6:33) I will admit, I tend to struggle with this one because I get overloaded with life’s little checklists.

2) Not seek after my own solutions.  Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5,6)  When our EA attorney hadn’t heard back from the donor couple this week, I automatically went into “Plan B” mode. God has our best interests in mind and wants to bless His precious lambs.  Why on earth would I think my plans are so much better than His?

3) Decrease the amount of time I spend on “research.” I have gleaned so much from my amazing sisterhood of IVF sisters and currently from all of the beautiful EA sisters out there, but my weakness is that I tend to look to this information for answers.  Don’t get me wrong, I am so blessed by you amazing women who have charted the course before me, but I have to remember to “seek the counsel of the Lord” (2 Chronicles 18″4) first and foremost! Then and only then should I do my “research.”

4) Not get consumed.  It’s easy to get consumed with growing our family, how it will happen, or even if it will happen at all.  But I have to remember that unless I’m getting consumed with the Lord, then it’s probably time I check to make sure that I haven’t created an idol that takes away from my time with God.  You shall have no other gods before me. (Exodus 20:3)

5) Love the family He has blessed me with. There is no greater joy than the joy I feel when I look at my miracle son.  No doubt the Lord has truly blessed us with this Little Mister conceived via PGD IVF.  A regret I don’t want to have is spending all of my time “longing for” or pining after another child and not spending that precious time with the miracle blessing that is right here.  My two-year old deserves 100% of his mommy.
I’ve felt the Lord saying to me (for a while now), “Come to Me, lay it at my feet and trust me”.  But my flesh has such a hard time just being still.  I’m a planner by nature, so the whole waiting thing is very uncomfortable for me.  Still, I know this is the area that I need to grow the most (hence, the reason it is uncomfortable).

I chose to share my thoughts tonight because I have felt this tug on my heart for a while.  I don’t know what else to do with the feeling other than to put it out there as a prayer request and lift it up to the Lord.

He has our family in this holding pattern for a reason.  And me trying to chart my own course, may only be getting in the way of an even greater blessing.  Which is the note I will end on…

“Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.” (Jeremiah 33:3)

My Princess...I will heal your heart

Yesterday was one of the difficult moments in my life.  You can read about it here.

In preparation of our FET, I'd been having my share of tests lately.

Two of my tests (my mammogram and ultrasound) came back with not-so-good news.  Since my mammogram and ultrasound revealed a cluster of cells that the radiologist was not comfortable with, he's sending me for a biopsy.  I just kept praying during this conversation.  Praying he would just tell me everything looked fine and that he'd made a mistake. 

Instead, he handed me a brochure (which I won't even get into here because it scared the bijeebers out of me), a pink lunchpail (in celebration of breast cancer awareness month), and sent me on my way.

When I got to my car after this news, I cried and prayed.  My prayers were met by the Lord.  I looked down at my phone and had received this text:

My Princess...
I will heal your heart. Don't get discouraged, my beloved.  Pain is a part of life. 

But I promise I will turn every tear you've cried into joy, and I will use your deep pain for a devine purpose.  Don't try to hide your hurts from me.  I know everything about you. 

You are mine.  My beloved!  I'm the only one who can handle your heart and restore you to health and wholeness again.  I, too, have felt great pain.  But we can go through every trial together. 

Hand in hand I will lead you back to my place of peace and joy after the storm.  The sun will shine on you again, and your heart will be healed. 

I promise you, my princess, that when you go through the deep waters of great trouble, I will be with you. 

When you go through the waters of difficulty you will not drown.  When you walk through the fire of oppression you will not be burned.  Isaiah 43:1-2

Love,
Your King and your Healer

God's timing is perfect.  He knew that I would need His comfort after walking out of my appointment.

He will heal my body and my heart, no matter what this biopsy reveals. 

I am so grateful for my dear sister in Christ who sent me this text.  She was sending it for one purpose, but God used it for another.  Her obedience to the Lord in that moment to hit the "send" button so that I would receive His message was amazing.  God is amazing!

I've had a feeling lately that our FET may have to be postponed, but I never dreamed it would be because of something like this.

So, for now...we wait.  Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord.

The Defining Moments in Life

Looking back on life, I can think of a few defining moments that have changed me forever.  Moments that I will never forget the who, what, when and where...the words that were said and how my heart felt.  Otherwise normal moments in time that were interrupted by life-changing news that I had never expected.  The worst part of each of these memories is that I felt like I was blindsided.

Today was one of those moments.

But before I get to that, these are the defining moments from my past:

• The day that my mom told me that my dad had died and was never coming back home.  At the tender age of nine, I can still remember walking across our lawn hoping she was wrong.
• The day my mother's doctor called and said, "She just left us."
• The day I went in for "routine" tests at my ob/gyn's office, when I got a glimse of my chart with the word, "Infertility" written on it. The insensitivity of my (former) doctor and the shocking revelation that I had become part of the statistics.
• The day our genetic counselor uttered the words, "Its not good news." That was the day we came face to face with our future and living with a neurological disease.
• The day this past April that our RE called us to give us the results of our beta after our frozen embryo transfer (FET).  After four positive pregnancy tests at home, the doctor called to say, "I'm so sorry honey."

Which brings me to where we are now.

As you know, we have been on the amazing journey of embryo adoption/donation and can't wait to become the parents to three beautiful twinkle babies.  The contract is still not signed, but we are getting closer.

Part of Dr. K's orders to prepare my body for the transfer included blood tests for infectious diseases and regular girly tests like pap, breast exam and mammogram.  At 39 years old, this was my first mammogram!

All of the tests came back clear...except the mammogram.  Nurse A called to tell me that there were some slight "calcifications" in my right breast and I would need to go back for an ultrasound. She assured me that calcifications are quite common.

"Anything for baby," I said.  Whatever it takes.

I went in for the second mammogram and ultrasound today. Having heard that calcifications are common, I completely expected to walk in, have the test and walk out. 

After donning my stylish pink gown, the tech took some pictures and asked me to sit tight while the radiologist reviewed the films.  A few minutes later the radiologist came in to give me the results.

The radiologist said very plainly, "I don't like the cluster of cells that I'm seeing, so I am sending you for a biopsy."  Of course, there was so much more to this conversation.  But the bottom line is that the road to FET is being derailed by something that I never saw coming.  I am scared.

I got to my car, broke down in tears and prayed.

A Prayer of Encouragement as We Wait Upon the Lord

A dear friend reminded me of this beautiful prayer today.  It encouraged me greatly as I hope it does, you too:

Ephesians 3:14-21
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. 

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Starting BCP today and hoping EA contract is closer to complete!

My favorite family member, Aunt Flow, showed up on Saturday.  This time...I welcomed her arrival as it meant that I can finally start the BCP in anticipation of our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET).

Still no signed contract with the donor couple, but it is very close.  The attorneys are currently working on the draft and we may even receive it today or tomorrow.

The way I look at it...I have 21 days of the "active" pills to get it all ironed out.  We are so excited to be on this journey.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much because our hearts were crushed at our failed FET this past April (even after the initial +HPT).

So for now...I'm going to keep taking the pill and wait.  I want to take this time to search God's word and get to know His character deeper than ever.  I am still in awe that Embryo Adoption/Donation even exists and feel so grateful and honored that a family would give such an unselfish gift...and more importantly that God chose us to possibly be their parents.

God's timing is perfect!  And for now...I am resting in the knowledge of Him, the great Creator of the universe!  I hope to meet my little twinkle babies some day very soon. 

The nurse said today that she will discuss dates, etc after all of our bloodwork is completed.  I am anxiously awaiting for the snail mail to arrive to see exactly what all this bloodwork entails!  Let the needles begin!

So, it's looking like an October or November transfer date.  All I know is that today...we are one step closer.  Thanks for your prayers!

Got the call...moving forward!

What an exciting day!

We received a call today from the coordinator that the donor family responded and we will now enter the next step...the attorneys and contract.

I've said before that I've had a peace in my heart during this new journey.  I can only explain this peace as God-given, because I JUST KNOW it's not comin' from little ol' me!

We also got a call from the attorney tonight, which was reassuring (she's a mom of twins!).  She walked us through the process of what comes next.  The greatest news was that she said these precious little twinkle babies may be part of our family as soon as 10 days from now. 

So, for now we are just praying for God's timing in all of this.  We can't help but get excited over where He has us on our journey at the moment.

I guess alot can happen in just ten days!  Praising God for His miracles every day!