Rest, Trust and Be Still

It’s been a little while since I’ve blogged, but if you’ve been following our journey, you know that there are a few things going on with our family and my health at the moment.

We are still in a holding pattern with the Embryo Adoption.  And come to find out that the testing that my RE had me do to prepare for the FET revealed abnormal cells that need a closer look.  As in…biopsy!

Despite the place of limbo I’m in at the moment, I have leaned on my Creator even more.  It is His peace that passes all understanding that I’m after. 

That said, I’ve felt like the Holy Spirit has been convicting me of a few things that have begun to take a greater hold on my life lately.

1) Keep God first in everything.  But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. (Matthew 6:33) I will admit, I tend to struggle with this one because I get overloaded with life’s little checklists.

2) Not seek after my own solutions.  Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5,6)  When our EA attorney hadn’t heard back from the donor couple this week, I automatically went into “Plan B” mode. God has our best interests in mind and wants to bless His precious lambs.  Why on earth would I think my plans are so much better than His?

3) Decrease the amount of time I spend on “research.” I have gleaned so much from my amazing sisterhood of IVF sisters and currently from all of the beautiful EA sisters out there, but my weakness is that I tend to look to this information for answers.  Don’t get me wrong, I am so blessed by you amazing women who have charted the course before me, but I have to remember to “seek the counsel of the Lord” (2 Chronicles 18″4) first and foremost! Then and only then should I do my “research.”

4) Not get consumed.  It’s easy to get consumed with growing our family, how it will happen, or even if it will happen at all.  But I have to remember that unless I’m getting consumed with the Lord, then it’s probably time I check to make sure that I haven’t created an idol that takes away from my time with God.  You shall have no other gods before me. (Exodus 20:3)

5) Love the family He has blessed me with. There is no greater joy than the joy I feel when I look at my miracle son.  No doubt the Lord has truly blessed us with this Little Mister conceived via PGD IVF.  A regret I don’t want to have is spending all of my time “longing for” or pining after another child and not spending that precious time with the miracle blessing that is right here.  My two-year old deserves 100% of his mommy.
I’ve felt the Lord saying to me (for a while now), “Come to Me, lay it at my feet and trust me”.  But my flesh has such a hard time just being still.  I’m a planner by nature, so the whole waiting thing is very uncomfortable for me.  Still, I know this is the area that I need to grow the most (hence, the reason it is uncomfortable).

I chose to share my thoughts tonight because I have felt this tug on my heart for a while.  I don’t know what else to do with the feeling other than to put it out there as a prayer request and lift it up to the Lord.

He has our family in this holding pattern for a reason.  And me trying to chart my own course, may only be getting in the way of an even greater blessing.  Which is the note I will end on…

“Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.” (Jeremiah 33:3)