My Princess...I will heal your heart

Yesterday was one of the difficult moments in my life.  You can read about it here.

In preparation of our FET, I'd been having my share of tests lately.

Two of my tests (my mammogram and ultrasound) came back with not-so-good news.  Since my mammogram and ultrasound revealed a cluster of cells that the radiologist was not comfortable with, he's sending me for a biopsy.  I just kept praying during this conversation.  Praying he would just tell me everything looked fine and that he'd made a mistake. 

Instead, he handed me a brochure (which I won't even get into here because it scared the bijeebers out of me), a pink lunchpail (in celebration of breast cancer awareness month), and sent me on my way.

When I got to my car after this news, I cried and prayed.  My prayers were met by the Lord.  I looked down at my phone and had received this text:

My Princess...
I will heal your heart. Don't get discouraged, my beloved.  Pain is a part of life. 

But I promise I will turn every tear you've cried into joy, and I will use your deep pain for a devine purpose.  Don't try to hide your hurts from me.  I know everything about you. 

You are mine.  My beloved!  I'm the only one who can handle your heart and restore you to health and wholeness again.  I, too, have felt great pain.  But we can go through every trial together. 

Hand in hand I will lead you back to my place of peace and joy after the storm.  The sun will shine on you again, and your heart will be healed. 

I promise you, my princess, that when you go through the deep waters of great trouble, I will be with you. 

When you go through the waters of difficulty you will not drown.  When you walk through the fire of oppression you will not be burned.  Isaiah 43:1-2

Love,
Your King and your Healer

God's timing is perfect.  He knew that I would need His comfort after walking out of my appointment.

He will heal my body and my heart, no matter what this biopsy reveals. 

I am so grateful for my dear sister in Christ who sent me this text.  She was sending it for one purpose, but God used it for another.  Her obedience to the Lord in that moment to hit the "send" button so that I would receive His message was amazing.  God is amazing!

I've had a feeling lately that our FET may have to be postponed, but I never dreamed it would be because of something like this.

So, for now...we wait.  Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord.

The Defining Moments in Life

Looking back on life, I can think of a few defining moments that have changed me forever.  Moments that I will never forget the who, what, when and where...the words that were said and how my heart felt.  Otherwise normal moments in time that were interrupted by life-changing news that I had never expected.  The worst part of each of these memories is that I felt like I was blindsided.

Today was one of those moments.

But before I get to that, these are the defining moments from my past:

• The day that my mom told me that my dad had died and was never coming back home.  At the tender age of nine, I can still remember walking across our lawn hoping she was wrong.
• The day my mother's doctor called and said, "She just left us."
• The day I went in for "routine" tests at my ob/gyn's office, when I got a glimse of my chart with the word, "Infertility" written on it. The insensitivity of my (former) doctor and the shocking revelation that I had become part of the statistics.
• The day our genetic counselor uttered the words, "Its not good news." That was the day we came face to face with our future and living with a neurological disease.
• The day this past April that our RE called us to give us the results of our beta after our frozen embryo transfer (FET).  After four positive pregnancy tests at home, the doctor called to say, "I'm so sorry honey."

Which brings me to where we are now.

As you know, we have been on the amazing journey of embryo adoption/donation and can't wait to become the parents to three beautiful twinkle babies.  The contract is still not signed, but we are getting closer.

Part of Dr. K's orders to prepare my body for the transfer included blood tests for infectious diseases and regular girly tests like pap, breast exam and mammogram.  At 39 years old, this was my first mammogram!

All of the tests came back clear...except the mammogram.  Nurse A called to tell me that there were some slight "calcifications" in my right breast and I would need to go back for an ultrasound. She assured me that calcifications are quite common.

"Anything for baby," I said.  Whatever it takes.

I went in for the second mammogram and ultrasound today. Having heard that calcifications are common, I completely expected to walk in, have the test and walk out. 

After donning my stylish pink gown, the tech took some pictures and asked me to sit tight while the radiologist reviewed the films.  A few minutes later the radiologist came in to give me the results.

The radiologist said very plainly, "I don't like the cluster of cells that I'm seeing, so I am sending you for a biopsy."  Of course, there was so much more to this conversation.  But the bottom line is that the road to FET is being derailed by something that I never saw coming.  I am scared.

I got to my car, broke down in tears and prayed.

A Prayer of Encouragement as We Wait Upon the Lord

A dear friend reminded me of this beautiful prayer today.  It encouraged me greatly as I hope it does, you too:

Ephesians 3:14-21
For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. 

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. 

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Starting BCP today and hoping EA contract is closer to complete!

My favorite family member, Aunt Flow, showed up on Saturday.  This time...I welcomed her arrival as it meant that I can finally start the BCP in anticipation of our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET).

Still no signed contract with the donor couple, but it is very close.  The attorneys are currently working on the draft and we may even receive it today or tomorrow.

The way I look at it...I have 21 days of the "active" pills to get it all ironed out.  We are so excited to be on this journey.  I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much because our hearts were crushed at our failed FET this past April (even after the initial +HPT).

So for now...I'm going to keep taking the pill and wait.  I want to take this time to search God's word and get to know His character deeper than ever.  I am still in awe that Embryo Adoption/Donation even exists and feel so grateful and honored that a family would give such an unselfish gift...and more importantly that God chose us to possibly be their parents.

God's timing is perfect!  And for now...I am resting in the knowledge of Him, the great Creator of the universe!  I hope to meet my little twinkle babies some day very soon. 

The nurse said today that she will discuss dates, etc after all of our bloodwork is completed.  I am anxiously awaiting for the snail mail to arrive to see exactly what all this bloodwork entails!  Let the needles begin!

So, it's looking like an October or November transfer date.  All I know is that today...we are one step closer.  Thanks for your prayers!

Got the call...moving forward!

What an exciting day!

We received a call today from the coordinator that the donor family responded and we will now enter the next step...the attorneys and contract.

I've said before that I've had a peace in my heart during this new journey.  I can only explain this peace as God-given, because I JUST KNOW it's not comin' from little ol' me!

We also got a call from the attorney tonight, which was reassuring (she's a mom of twins!).  She walked us through the process of what comes next.  The greatest news was that she said these precious little twinkle babies may be part of our family as soon as 10 days from now. 

So, for now we are just praying for God's timing in all of this.  We can't help but get excited over where He has us on our journey at the moment.

I guess alot can happen in just ten days!  Praising God for His miracles every day!

Yay! We are still a GO!

We just received a call from the coordinator (on a Saturday, no less) that they are still waiting to hear back from the donor couple.  I didn't expect a call on a Saturday, but that just confirms what I thought about how busy they are at the fertility clinic.

She said they had an over abundance of fertility procedures in the doctors office in the last two weeks, which hopefully means that many many couples are getting pregnant!

If all goes well, that will be us in a few months.  I am just praying that this FET works and that the precious twinkle babies stick around.

In my quiet time with the Lord today, He reminded me that He fashioned my heart individually.  This just spoke to my heart because he has also fashioned the heart of our (future) babies.  That just blesses me to no end!

I am so grateful that I am not on this journey alone and that He is leading me every step of the way.

Is no news really good news?

We have been in a holding pattern since meeting with our new doctor two weeks ago and have yet to hear anything from our coordinator regarding the (hopefully, “our”) twinkle babies.

I do have a peace in my heart that no news just means that they are super busy at the doctor's office.  God is definitely teaching me patience in all of this. 

That said, I still glance at my phone (like a teenager) hoping that it will ring!

We continue to pray for our Embryo Adoption process.  We pray that the donor family is 1) able to be reached, 2) still willing to give the precious gift of donating their twinkle babies, and 3) that the next steps go smoothly in adopting them into our family.

Thank you all for your prayers!

Consult with new RE

We met with Dr. K yesterday. I still think it is pretty unbelievable that God used someone in Kansas to get me to a doctor 80 miles to the north in Thousand Oaks! God’s ways definitely are not our ways!

The doctor spent more than an hour talking to Tall Man and me about our “goals” and our issues. We spent most of the time discussing two things…a) FET with donor embryos (our main focus for the meeting and reason we were there) and b) PGD IVF (figured we may as well discuss it since it was the way Little Mister was conceived).

Dr. K said this is OUR decision and we should consider three things in making that decision:

1. Medical – Is what we are doing medically possible?
2. Emotional – Can we endure the roller coaster of emotions in this process?
3. Financial – Do we have the finances to go forward with our decision?

Fortunately, the medical outlook is good for me to carry a pregnancy; emotionally we have God holding our hands and a doctor who is an expert in the field; and financially, well…we don’t want this to break us. All things prayerfully considered, we are going with adopting embryos who are already babies waiting to be born rather than trying again with my (39 year old) eggs and creating more embryos.

Jen was so right. Dr. K is amazing, confident, calm and even gave us his cell phone number. Who does that? He truly cares. We were very impressed.

The best part about our visit was that they have a match for us. Hubby and I are a strange melting pot combination of ethnicities, which ended up making our biological son 25% Asian. Who would have ever guessed that Dr. K would have 25% Asian embies.

We are now headed on the path to adopt them and pray that everything goes smoothly from here on out. God is sooooo in control.

Today I am thanking God for everything and thanking my new friend and sister in Christ for her ministry.

Considering Embryo Adoption Options

I was inspired by this woman’s story of embryo adoption and how her journey gave God the glory every step of the way. You can read for yourself here.

I decided to reach out to her today and ask a few questions. Knowing that she’s out of state and has eight children including a newborn I didn’t expect to hear from her for a while.

Much to my surprise she emailed me right back and gave me information on her clinic (which is here in California), her doctor (Dr. K) and told me about the various routes to embryo adoption. One option (Snowflakes) I was aware of, but the others were new to me.

•Miracles Waiting – a website where adopting couples and donor couples can post profiles and find matches. It is a non-profit organization, but to keep the site running they do charge adopting couples a $150 posting fee (well worth it, when you consider what it’s for).

•National Embryo Donation Center (NEDC) – non-profit organization for embryo donation and adoption. Their program handles the medical, legal and social (education and awareness) aspects of embryo adoption (including frozen transfer at their center if you choose not to ship embryos locally).

As a result of my email dialogue with my new EA sister, I contacted Dr. K to get a consult AND asked Tall Man if we could check out the Miracles Waiting site.

My new friend sent me a cyber hug as I started the EA journey. Sending hugs to all of you who are also on the journey of EA. I pray we are hugging our chilly babies one day soon.

Another Route to Embryo Adoption

I have not forgotten about all of the chilly babies out there. God continues to put on my heart the desire for embryo adoption.

So, the other night while I was doing some more research on the subject, God led me to a blog which not only explained the whole process from a woman who went through it, but she also gave God all the glory. Talk about Spirit-lead!

Since the whole concept is still pretty new to me, I learned so much just from reading through her experience. She did not use an agency to adopt her embryos.

The funny thing was that I was stuck on part of the blog that described the embryo adoption and frozen embryo transfer process, but could not for the life of me find the current posts. Duh! I must have been tired. So…tired and inspired I went to bed without finding out how the story ended? Did it work? Did she get pregnant? Did she have the baby(ies)?

The next day I did find her current posts and was excited to see the BIRTH of her beautiful baby girl. Embryo adoption and God’s glory…what a perfect ending to that story.

Discouraged and Encouraged

Discouraged that this process is not easy. Discouraged that infertility and disease exist. Discouraged about the financial costs to do something that may not work. Still praying about using the agency, but it’s not looking promising.

Encouraged that God is still on the throne! Encouraged that we can lay our burdens at His feet. Encouraged that I do not walk alone for my Lord is with me.

Program fees at embryo adoption agency

I contacted the Snowflakes embryo adoption program today about the Japanese-Caucasian embryos, specifically. Megan, the embryo adoption coordinator, was a sweet voice on the other end of the phone who took the “scary” out of this process.

Snowflakes pioneered uncharted territory when they ventured out into the world of embryo adoption in 1997. They really are the most professional and ethical agency around.

Their regular program fees for embryo adoption are $8,000 (much less than the $18,000 on the domestic adoption side of the agency). The program fee gets you matched up to three times. They use the number three because most couples will get pregnant within the matches. That fee also includes the legal process for the embryo adoption between the genetic couple and adopting couple.

What it doesn’t include is the home study fee of $2,500 which has to be done before any matching occurs. They really emphasize the adoption education process, which I completely understand and like. Since we live in their area, they would be doing the home study.

A new thing I learned………..

The good news is that the multi-ethnic embryos have a reduced program fee. Mainly because the couple is looking to adopt specific embryos from one genetic family (not matching with three genetic families like the regular program works).

So, fees for us would look like this if we chose to go this route:

$2,500 Home study
$4,900 Program Fee (multi-ethnic embryos)
$2,500 FET_____________________
$9,900 Total (not including meds and mock cycle)

I told her we are still praying about how to go forward (or not) with embryo adoption. We really want to be good stewards of the provision God has given us. Praying for God’s wisdom and guidance.

Snowflakes agency posts multi-ethnic embryos on their website

We are having a great summer with Little Mister! Between swimming lessons, birthday parties and camping trips…we’ve been having a blast.

I have to admit though, there are moments when I think about what life would be like right now if our FET in April had worked. Things would be different if I were five months pregnant. I sure would be wearing different jeans!

Confession…I took a peek at the Snowflakes website today for the first time in months. If you’ll remember, my first information “encounter” on embryo adoption was with Snowflakes. Read here for my eye opening experience about these precious little chilly babies. The Snowflakes program is the embryo adoption arm of Nightlight Christian Adoption (a full-service adoption agency) and they have an office right down the street in Anaheim Hills, California.

Snowflakes has a multi-ethnic embryos page which highlights the non-caucasian and/or mixed ethnicity embryos and gives them a chance to be seen. This is especially of interest to me and Tall Man because we are a mutt mix of ethicities which includes my half-Asian-ness (not a word, I’m sure).

My heart fluttered a little when I saw the Japanese-Caucasian embryos. Oh how I would love to honor my mother’s heritage by adopting embryos of Japanese decent. Another thing to pray about.

I do believe that God has a plan for us Zees. We are living out our little miracle every day with Little Mister.

One Door Closes as Another Opens

Yesterday, hubby and I received the awful news that our beta test was negative. After four positive home pregnancy tests and the hope that we would be parents again, the news during this phone call was really hard to take as we so expected completely different outcome today. I never expected this could fail and truthfully did not prepare my heart or mind for this kind of devastating news.

Two of my best friends came to my teary rescue to comfort me since hubby had to work his regular graveyard shift. It was hard to see him off to work, but that was his coping mechanism. Mine was at home.

Ready to hear about the miracle that ensued next? I thank God for these ladies:

•Sweet friend #1, sister in Christ, comforted me with God’s Word and assurance that He is still on the throne despite what I was going through here on earth. As heartbreaking as that was, I had peace about our embryos finally being released to heaven to be with the Lord. I had peace in my heart that I could not explain. I prayed for His plan all through our FET process and accepted this as His answer. I didn’t like it, but knew in my heart that God’s ways are not our ways.

•Sweet friend #2, not a believer yet (whom I love dearly and have never passed judgment on for her religious views) was amazed by the peace that I was sad but okay with not being pregnant. I think that she believed she was coming over to wipe me up off the floor, which was not the case at all. She also didn’t know that sweet friend #1 and I had been praying for her salvation for years.

So, there we were. The three of us friends…two at peace that God is still good and one friend still searching for answers.

She asked two questions that night…questions that she most likely thought would be cathartic and healing for ME to answer. Little did she know God was using this entire experience, my failed FET process to show HER his love and comfort. She asked us 1) how we knew when God was speaking to us, and 2) How we knew that peace in our hearts was from God?

I will tell you that the next two hours of talking with her about God’s great love for us was literally life changing. After she left for the night, sweet friend #1 and I cried and prayed and cried some more that it took something this powerful to reach into her heart and allow it to soften to God’s love. That night was a night of healing for both me regarding the embryos, and for my friend who had never heard the truth of the gospel.

We Still Believe

Many of you know what the Three Zees have been praying for these days…for God to grow our family. Thank you dear friends for your continued prayer. We are blessed to have you as friends.

After four positive home pregnancy tests, we were a bit deflated today when the blood test came back negative. Although we may never know what happened, we thank God for the process he allowed us to go through and all of the answered prayer along the way. We are just sad that this one did not have the ending that we were hoping for.

Psalm 121
I lift up my eyes to the hills,
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

We still believe…God is still on the throne…He is our strength and shield. Our babies are now in heaven with Him.