Long wait, FET scheduled & seeking God's peace

Hello everyone, it has been a very long time since I've posted last.  I think that between the whirlwind of the whole biopsy thing last year and the waiting for the donor contract...I was just too pooped to deal.

Well, here we are in March 2011 and our Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) is finally scheduled for April 11, 2011. 

I would love to say that the sun and moon aligned, the stars shined brightly and the FET date was chosen for us and that I'm super dooper popping out-of-my-skin, excited for the day to come---

However, that is not the case. 

On the contrary, I'm actually a little weirded out by the whole perception of power (incorrect, of course) that my hubby and I actually picked the date on a calendar and that we are somehow in control of all of this.  I don't want to be in control of anything...I'll just mess it up, I know it!

I know better.  I know we're not in control, but it still does feel really strange picking a random date on a calendar and then working backwards with shots and ultrasounds.

About the control thing...and knowing better...

I serve an amazing Creator who has put the sun, moon and stars into the sky, who knows every hair on my head and who has a plan, a future and a hope for me (and my future babies if that's in His will).  So why on earth am I feeling so strange about being the one to pluck a date out of thin air and actually select this FET date? 

And...if I'm being completely honest, I'm actually feeling a bit nervous about going into this next transfer and I cannot put my finger on why.  Nervous, and even a bit apprehensive, which has me worried.

I've been following many of my EA sisters' blogs and am so awed by the process, the beautiful and unique stories of each family journey, and God's peace that totally comes across in their writings.  Yes, I am a lurker.  Is that even a word?

So, here's the question folks...

Why is it, that as I am about to enter one of the most exciting times in my life, am I feeling uncertain about what I'm doing?

Could it be because...

• our FET last year failed
• guilt over having my 3 year old share his parents with a new baby
• I'm an only child and I don't even understand the blessings of having siblings
• wrapped up in work
• afraid it won't work this time
• afraid it will work this time
• worried that since it's a closed adoption that my future children will never be able to have the question of "where did I come from" ever truly answered (this one has me in a tizzy since the donor embryos are from an anonymous donor family who used donor eggs and the husband's sperm).  I would love your advice/thoughts on how to explain 5 parents to a child (age-appropriate, of course).  I am sad it's not an open adoption, but respect their decision (that we agreed to, by the way).
• and please don't judge me for this one, but there's a terrible thought in the back of my mind that having our 3 year old (biological son) and these children who were adopted as embryos will be strangely confusing to them all, and that they will have questions and comparisons that I can't answer for them.

I know I'm getting way ahead of myself here, but I can't even begin to describe what is going through my head and heart right now. 

I do realize that much of my tizzy spin is a waste of time because I still need to get pregnant.  I get that.

The good news is that I am seeking the Lord's wisdom and peace.  I had such peace about this before, but as we get closer and closer to the date, I am starting to spin a little.  Okay, maybe alot.

Please pray for God's peace in my heart.  Thank you for reading my brutally honest thoughts and thank you for praying for my heart.

Thankful for the Valleys?

I should warn you that this is going to be one long post, but I promise it does have a happy ending!

Last night in our home fellowship group our pastor posed the question of why we ought to be thankful.  Being Thanksgiving and all, my mind automatically went to the “blessings” side of my brain and counted off all of the awesome things that God has done this year. 

The pastor then added, what about being thankful when we are in the midst of a trial, suffering or other unwelcome event which takes place in our lives.

Huh…well…um…that took some serious thought!

It is so easy to be thankful on the mountaintops, but it’s when God has us in the valleys that we lean into Him and grow the most. 

In thinking about what I am most thankful for this year, my heart doesn’t immediately thank God for dry valleys…the infertility, Tall man’s genetic disease, the chemical pregnancy and loss of our donated embryos earlier this year, or the fact that I spend 40+ hours a week away from my 2 year old while I’m at work.  Those things naturally don’t rise to the top of my praise report list…but they should. 

With some deeper conversations with the Lord, he has shown me that…

It was our journey of infertility that led us to finally discovering the truth about hubby’s genetic disease.  Praise God for His mercy that He did not allow us to conceive naturally and pass on the defective gene.  Praise God for His grace through the people and technology of PGD IVF (that He has gifted and equipped) that our miracle son was born. 

Praise God for infertility that led us to embryo adoption this year.  My heart grieves that loss, but we praise God that the embryos are no longer in that forever frozen state and have now gone on to heaven to be with our Creator.  I must also praise God for it was through the witness of that loss that my dear friend who saw my heartache first-hand and response to that situation, ultimately led her to give her life to Christ.

God’s word tells us to…count it all joy when you fall into various trials (James 1:2).  I have to constantly remind myself that it doesn’t say “some” or “when I feel like it.”  It says count ALL.  Really? 

And just to be certain that I get the point, it also says, In everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you (1 Thessalonians 5:18).  Yep…pretty sure God means everything…including the desolate valley I’ve been walking.

Because…on the other side of this valley, lies a blessing…God’s perfect plan and purpose for my life. 

If you read some of my previous posts, you know that we’ve been waiting for quite some time for our embryo adoption/donation contract to be finalized.  It was taking a long time to hear anything from the donor family.  There was nothing else I could physically do to make the process go any faster. 

All I could do was pray.

The funny thing is…that’s what God wanted all along.  For me to pray…He simply wanted me to spend time with Him…alone, in His word.

So, for the past few weeks, I’ve been getting up at Oh-dark-thirty, grabbing my Bible and my blanket, heading out to my patio, and spending some amazing alone time with my Creator, my Friend and my Savior.  He is with me as the sun comes up and gives me thoughts to carry for the rest of the day.  I look forward to these moments as He breathes life into me.

What has been amazing was that as I spent more time with Him, the focus of my prayers shifted from me, the embryos, me, our family, me, me, me…to Him, His power, His might and His will and direction for our lives. 

And low and behold when I wasn’t expecting it, I got a call from our attorney.  The precious embryos we had been waiting for have now joined our family.  Poof, just like that --- the contract was finished.  Signed, sealed and delivered!

The twinkle babies are ours!

What a reminder that my perspective is so small, so tiny and shallow.  God’s word and His promises are true, but it’s because of this trial I can finally see that His hand is on me, has been on me and takes care of the entire span of the universe! 

So, am I thankful for valleys?  This is most certainly not a "bring-it-on" invitation for more trials to enter my life, but I will say that whatever the Lord is doing through our trials, I have faith that it is all because He loves me.

For the word of God is living and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, and of joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.  Hebrews 4:12

Biopsy results are in...

After red tape with my insurance, the x-ray machine breaking and my original biopsy postponed...I finally had a stereotactic biopsy last Friday to check to see if the cluster of cells in my breasts was cancer. 

I slipped into a stylish turquoise (open-to-the-front) hospital gown, entered a room that quite honestly could have kept popsicles frozen, and hopped up onto a gigantic table for the procedure.

Picture this...

Picture a massage or chiropractor table (sound nice and relaxing, right?).  Nope...it was an examination table...except the hole wasn't up here for my face, it was lower and to the right a little.  Yep, a booby-hole...very strange.

So, there I laid, horizontal on the table, face down (bb through the strange opening) while the table was lifted up to the ceiling by a hydraulic lift.  I am seriously not making this stuff up!  It wasn't jiffy lube it was jiffy-boob.  That was where I stayed for the next hour!

The equipment and uncomfortable position allowed for the doctor, the tech and the assistant to pierce needles into my breast via ultra-fancy, high-tech machines, and retrieve samples for pathology.  Did I mention that they had me place my arm and shoulder through that same hole, too?  I am still bruised from those contorted poses!

While they were in there, they shot a titanium marker into "me" to mark the spot.  It is to help the doctor/surgeon locate the cells in the future.  The titanium maker stays a part of me no matter the outcome.  They assured me I won't be setting off any metal detectors at the airport. 

But now to the best news ever...

After waiting all weekend and most of Monday, the doctor called with the biopsy results...

...It was negative!  Hallelujah and praise God!  He is faithful and merciful. 

I used to be worried that road blocks were sending us off our path and self-imposed timeline to our frozen transfer (which if you'll remember we originally planned for late-October, early-November).  Well, everything happens for a reason and I am now thanking God for my life instead of worrying when the transfer will be.

Taking one day at a time.

I'm also concerned about our lack of a contract...still.  But that, my friends, is a topic for a different post.

Thank you for your prayers.  I definitely felt them!

EA contract closer, but FET postponed til New Year

Today, we are one step closer to bringing our twinkle babies home.

I received a call from our attorney about our Embryo Adoption process. Contract is being finalized and coming to us for signatures!

Bear in mind that the process doesn't usually take this long for most people, but we had a few obstacles to overcome before moving forward. 

1) My biopsy - Part of the testing to prepare for a FET involved a mammogram since I am now 40 years old.  Results came back abnormal. The biopsy has been rescheduled twice; the appointment is tomorrow.

2) Slow going communication - Since the world of EA is so new, attorneys that do legal work for EA don't only do reproductive law.  Between our attorney (who is amazing), the donor attorney and the donor family, everything just takes longer to communicate back and forth.  We chose these twinkle babies back in August.

3) Additional testing for Donor dad - The list of infectious diseases that donors are tested for has expanded over the past few years.  Which is why our donor had to go back for additional testing even though the twinkle babies were created in 2007.

The good news is that we are closer.  Praise God for that.  He holds these babies in His hand whether they will be ours right now, in two months, or ever.  We are trusting in the Lord that He has a plan for their lives (and ours).  We do know that the babies becoming part of our family is only the beginning. 

When we met with Dr. K and the nurse in August, we (our plans) were to do a FET in October.  Well, October has come and gone and we are still a family of three without a signed contract for our twinkle babies.  God's plan is obviously outside of our teeny view and we wait on Him for our next steps.

Hubby and I have both been feeling like God has been asking us to WAIT to do this FET which is one of the most difficult things we've been faced with lately.  My heart so desperately wanted to do this NOW, which is why I couldn't understand why God put on my heart to "wait".  After all, we have waited years for this moment.

So, we have prayerfully decided to postpone our FET until the beginning of the year (2011) for the following reasons:

• Hubby just got a new job in law enforcement and will be in academy/training for the next three months.
• Biopsy and health holdups - biopsy is finally tomorrow
• Holidays - I really want my two-year old (and us) to enjoy every moment together this Thanksgiving and Christmas.  We have alot to be thankful for.
• Save more money for FET and legal costs.
• New Flexible Spending Account begins again on January 1, 2011 (tax free dollars for FET replenished)
• Little Mister's 3rd birthday in early February.

I've felt God confirm our decision by giving me peace in my heart.  I would normally get hung up on the "what ifs" and "if onlys" in life, but this time it's very different.  God has given me this "extra" time to prepare so that I can get deeper into His word, spent time with Him, rely on Him to provide my counsel and guidance and spend quality loving moments with hubby and little mister without the stress of treatments.

The Lord is my strength and my shield.  My heart trusted in Him and I am helped.  Psalm 28:7

Rest, Trust and Be Still

It’s been a little while since I’ve blogged, but if you’ve been following our journey, you know that there are a few things going on with our family and my health at the moment.

We are still in a holding pattern with the Embryo Adoption.  And come to find out that the testing that my RE had me do to prepare for the FET revealed abnormal cells that need a closer look.  As in…biopsy!

Despite the place of limbo I’m in at the moment, I have leaned on my Creator even more.  It is His peace that passes all understanding that I’m after. 

That said, I’ve felt like the Holy Spirit has been convicting me of a few things that have begun to take a greater hold on my life lately.

1) Keep God first in everything.  But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. (Matthew 6:33) I will admit, I tend to struggle with this one because I get overloaded with life’s little checklists.

2) Not seek after my own solutions.  Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5,6)  When our EA attorney hadn’t heard back from the donor couple this week, I automatically went into “Plan B” mode. God has our best interests in mind and wants to bless His precious lambs.  Why on earth would I think my plans are so much better than His?

3) Decrease the amount of time I spend on “research.” I have gleaned so much from my amazing sisterhood of IVF sisters and currently from all of the beautiful EA sisters out there, but my weakness is that I tend to look to this information for answers.  Don’t get me wrong, I am so blessed by you amazing women who have charted the course before me, but I have to remember to “seek the counsel of the Lord” (2 Chronicles 18″4) first and foremost! Then and only then should I do my “research.”

4) Not get consumed.  It’s easy to get consumed with growing our family, how it will happen, or even if it will happen at all.  But I have to remember that unless I’m getting consumed with the Lord, then it’s probably time I check to make sure that I haven’t created an idol that takes away from my time with God.  You shall have no other gods before me. (Exodus 20:3)

5) Love the family He has blessed me with. There is no greater joy than the joy I feel when I look at my miracle son.  No doubt the Lord has truly blessed us with this Little Mister conceived via PGD IVF.  A regret I don’t want to have is spending all of my time “longing for” or pining after another child and not spending that precious time with the miracle blessing that is right here.  My two-year old deserves 100% of his mommy.
I’ve felt the Lord saying to me (for a while now), “Come to Me, lay it at my feet and trust me”.  But my flesh has such a hard time just being still.  I’m a planner by nature, so the whole waiting thing is very uncomfortable for me.  Still, I know this is the area that I need to grow the most (hence, the reason it is uncomfortable).

I chose to share my thoughts tonight because I have felt this tug on my heart for a while.  I don’t know what else to do with the feeling other than to put it out there as a prayer request and lift it up to the Lord.

He has our family in this holding pattern for a reason.  And me trying to chart my own course, may only be getting in the way of an even greater blessing.  Which is the note I will end on…

“Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know.” (Jeremiah 33:3)

My Princess...I will heal your heart

Yesterday was one of the difficult moments in my life.  You can read about it here.

In preparation of our FET, I'd been having my share of tests lately.

Two of my tests (my mammogram and ultrasound) came back with not-so-good news.  Since my mammogram and ultrasound revealed a cluster of cells that the radiologist was not comfortable with, he's sending me for a biopsy.  I just kept praying during this conversation.  Praying he would just tell me everything looked fine and that he'd made a mistake. 

Instead, he handed me a brochure (which I won't even get into here because it scared the bijeebers out of me), a pink lunchpail (in celebration of breast cancer awareness month), and sent me on my way.

When I got to my car after this news, I cried and prayed.  My prayers were met by the Lord.  I looked down at my phone and had received this text:

My Princess...
I will heal your heart. Don't get discouraged, my beloved.  Pain is a part of life. 

But I promise I will turn every tear you've cried into joy, and I will use your deep pain for a devine purpose.  Don't try to hide your hurts from me.  I know everything about you. 

You are mine.  My beloved!  I'm the only one who can handle your heart and restore you to health and wholeness again.  I, too, have felt great pain.  But we can go through every trial together. 

Hand in hand I will lead you back to my place of peace and joy after the storm.  The sun will shine on you again, and your heart will be healed. 

I promise you, my princess, that when you go through the deep waters of great trouble, I will be with you. 

When you go through the waters of difficulty you will not drown.  When you walk through the fire of oppression you will not be burned.  Isaiah 43:1-2

Love,
Your King and your Healer

God's timing is perfect.  He knew that I would need His comfort after walking out of my appointment.

He will heal my body and my heart, no matter what this biopsy reveals. 

I am so grateful for my dear sister in Christ who sent me this text.  She was sending it for one purpose, but God used it for another.  Her obedience to the Lord in that moment to hit the "send" button so that I would receive His message was amazing.  God is amazing!

I've had a feeling lately that our FET may have to be postponed, but I never dreamed it would be because of something like this.

So, for now...we wait.  Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord.

The Defining Moments in Life

Looking back on life, I can think of a few defining moments that have changed me forever.  Moments that I will never forget the who, what, when and where...the words that were said and how my heart felt.  Otherwise normal moments in time that were interrupted by life-changing news that I had never expected.  The worst part of each of these memories is that I felt like I was blindsided.

Today was one of those moments.

But before I get to that, these are the defining moments from my past:

• The day that my mom told me that my dad had died and was never coming back home.  At the tender age of nine, I can still remember walking across our lawn hoping she was wrong.
• The day my mother's doctor called and said, "She just left us."
• The day I went in for "routine" tests at my ob/gyn's office, when I got a glimse of my chart with the word, "Infertility" written on it. The insensitivity of my (former) doctor and the shocking revelation that I had become part of the statistics.
• The day our genetic counselor uttered the words, "Its not good news." That was the day we came face to face with our future and living with a neurological disease.
• The day this past April that our RE called us to give us the results of our beta after our frozen embryo transfer (FET).  After four positive pregnancy tests at home, the doctor called to say, "I'm so sorry honey."

Which brings me to where we are now.

As you know, we have been on the amazing journey of embryo adoption/donation and can't wait to become the parents to three beautiful twinkle babies.  The contract is still not signed, but we are getting closer.

Part of Dr. K's orders to prepare my body for the transfer included blood tests for infectious diseases and regular girly tests like pap, breast exam and mammogram.  At 39 years old, this was my first mammogram!

All of the tests came back clear...except the mammogram.  Nurse A called to tell me that there were some slight "calcifications" in my right breast and I would need to go back for an ultrasound. She assured me that calcifications are quite common.

"Anything for baby," I said.  Whatever it takes.

I went in for the second mammogram and ultrasound today. Having heard that calcifications are common, I completely expected to walk in, have the test and walk out. 

After donning my stylish pink gown, the tech took some pictures and asked me to sit tight while the radiologist reviewed the films.  A few minutes later the radiologist came in to give me the results.

The radiologist said very plainly, "I don't like the cluster of cells that I'm seeing, so I am sending you for a biopsy."  Of course, there was so much more to this conversation.  But the bottom line is that the road to FET is being derailed by something that I never saw coming.  I am scared.

I got to my car, broke down in tears and prayed.